Cooking time: 10 minutes, plus time to bake
7:40 – Boys, you want waffles for breakfast? Ok, it’ll take about 15 minutes – I need you to clean the guinea pig cage, and I’ll have these when you’re done. Here are all the things you need to clean out the cage.
7:43 – Empty dishwasher to get mixing bowl. Halfway through, realize that the broken soap dispenser door was closed before the dishwasher ran, and since the spring is broken, no soap was used in cleaning the dishes. Hand wash mixing bowls. Re-load dishwasher with almost all the things you took out.
7:51 – Measure out & blend dry ingredients.
7:53 – Wash out guinea pig’s “litter box” so boys can finish cleaning cage. Wash hands a lot afterwards.
7:55 – Put yogurt & milk in second bowl. Look for eggs in refrigerator for 4 minutes; as the minutes pass, begin muttering “How the hell could she have used a dozen eggs in a day?” Resign yourself to changing into street clothes and going to the bodega. As you turn, realize you took them out already and put them on the counter. Freeze, overwhelmed by remorse for cursing your wife. Realize you could really use some coffee.
8:02 –Realize there is no coffee. Weep quietly.
8:07 – Separate eggs, stir yogurt and milk together, put butter that was supposed to be melted and cooled into microwave.
8:09 – Put butter into fridge to cool.
8:10 – Suggest to child (and houseguest) that if they try and vacuum the spilled guinea pig poop before picking yesterday’s toys up off the floor, it won’t work very well.
8:12 – Whip egg whites. Combine wet ingredients. Fold in egg whites. Plug in waffle iron. “Grapeseed or corn oil? Can I use vegetable oil?” 10 minutes internet research followed by “Screw it, I’m spraying it down with Pam.”
8:22 – Guys, stop yelling! Your mom’s trying to sleep. Yes, you can play Halo now that the cage is clean. Wait. Where’s the guinea pig? Oh, jeez.
8:27 – Put rescued guinea pig back in cage. Wash hands. Begin baking waffles
8:32 – Pause the game, boys.
8:36 – Pause the game, boys.
8:40 – “OK, I’m eating these waffles without you.” Heat syrup. Set table, including whipped cream and chocolate syrup.
8:45 – Start eating. “Wait – are there WAFFLES?!?!” Joined at the table by two small velocoraptors. “I think it’s been a YEAR since I had waffles this good.”
Cooking time: 1 hour and 5 minutes, plus time to hide sobbing from the children.